When I told you my word of the year was going to be Trust, little did I know that God was going to make sure I got that lesson whether I liked it or not!
After my panic attack in March and then my battle with anxiety the whole month of April, I was starting to feel like I was being attacked. In fact I have no doubt that Satan was having a field day with my thoughts.
At some point, I decided enough was enough. I dove into Beth Moore’s Bible Study: Breaking Free. I had to do something to break these negative thoughts. I picked up Joel Osteen’s book: Your Best Life Now at a garage sale (I highly recommend this book for everyone!). I listened to worship music whenever I could and just made sure I was walking with God whenever I had the chance, but especially when I felt like I was being attacked, which was often.
Little by little, I started to heal. I got off my anxiety medicine, started exercising, and began eating clean. I was actually feeling good… until…
About three weeks ago, I noticed a lump in my right breast.
I tried hard to forget about it. Surely it will just go away.
I read about it on the internet. (Don’t do this. You’ll be certain you have cancer when you are done!)
I even made an Obgyn appointment… for June 24th. (I just told them it was time for my yearly. Surely the lump would be gone by then. Surely.)
Besides my husband, I only told my mom about it…. when I ran into her at the grocery store. (Sorry Dad, I know I freaked you out.)
I didn’t feel like doing anything blog related because I just couldn’t think about anything else. Meanwhile, my blogging friends were posting all kinds of wonderful things, and all I could think about was what if I had cancer?
We did several things in those three weeks, but I didn’t really feel like I was there. I felt like I was in a fog.
I looked at everything differently.
Satan was back in my head and was stronger than ever.
I would pray and hear… everything is fine. You are fine.
Then, a few seconds later, and even louder, I would hear… everything is not OK. You have cancer.
Several times in my reading, I would read about how what you hear should align with God’s word. If it doesn’t, or if it gives you fear or anxiety then it is not from God. I knew I was in a battle for my mind yet again, and that I truly needed to TRUST God with whatever his will was for my life. I needed to TRUST his word.
After three weeks, my husband couldn’t take it anymore. On Monday evening, he said that if I didn’t call the doctor the next day then he would do it.
So, I made the call. Of course since I was going to be coming in for the lump, they suggested I should just get my yearly done as well, and they could see me the next day at 11:15.
Enter in… MAJOR ANXIETY!
I told my best friends/prayer warriors what was going on. Of course they freaked, but I knew they would pray for me. It is amazing the sense of peace you feel when your friends are praying for you.
I tossed and turned most of the night, and was sure that I was going to puke the morning of my appointment.
At 11:10 we entered into the Obgyn’s office. By 11:40 the doctor came in. We talked. She examined. Sure enough, she felt it, but not just one lump, but a few that had her concerned. She gave me paperwork to take to the mammogram office down the street and we were on our way.
Still nervous, but yet feeling a sense of peace in the back of my mind, we entered into the mammogram office and I got registered for not just a mammogram, but an ultrasound as well.
I have never had a mammogram done, and I really don’t have much to begin with, so I was beyond terrified about being squished.
After we had signed the papers, I ran to the bathroom in the back leaving my husband in the waiting room with my purse. Once I was done, I felt the need to pray. Here God? In the bathroom? Absolutely! So, I got tons of paper towels, put them on the floor (closest to the door of course) and got on my knees and prayed. I prayed that God would not let this be cancer. I prayed that he would give me strength to get through the tests. I prayed for peace.
Once I opened the door, the nurse was standing there waiting for me.
Off to get squished. (I really think men should have to go through this at some point in their lives. Just sayin’.)
Once that was done, they put me in a separate waiting room with other ladies who were also getting mammograms done. We were all sitting there, in our blue gowns, and we just started to talk. I loved being there with them. Talking about what they were going through took my mind off my fears. They were all much older than me, and they were hilarious! We talked about all of these tests, cancer, being a woman, and God. I will never forget those ladies and I still wish I would have gotten their names and numbers. Is it weird to think that they could have been angels? It was just so strange the feeling of peace I had with them. I just can’t explain it.
Finally I was called back for my ultrasound. Of course the sweet lady doing the ultrasound didn’t say much. She just took pictures of everything. On her screen I could see the lumps and she reassured me they weren’t nearly as big as they were on her screen.
Then, back to the waiting room to wait for the doctor to review the screenings.
A few minutes later the ultrasound lady came and got me and led me to the dressing room to change.
I was scared. What news was I about to get?
They’re just cysts. Nothing to worry about, but you’ll need to come back again in a year.
At that moment, I cried. I grabbed the lady and hugged her. I was so relieved!
I praised God the entire time I changed clothes and held back the tears and the desire to hit my knees in the dressing room. I knew my husband was out in the waiting room… waiting for me to come back from the bathroom after over an hour.
I could see him through the little window as I was walking towards the door. I could tell he was nervous, but when I walked out and saw the Styrofoam cup sitting next to him with teeth marks all through it, I knew he had been just as worried as me….or he was really hungry!
I just looked at him and smiled and told him everything was OK. I could tell he was just as relieved as me as he jumped up and wrapped me in a big hug.
On the way home that afternoon, I prayed for the ladies I left behind in the waiting room. My angels. I prayed they were OK as well and that God would watch over them.
That night we talked about everything and he shared just how nervous he really was. I had no idea.
So as I look back on my word of the year… TRUST… I can’t help but think about how God is making sure I get it. Making sure I TRULY get it. I’m learning that trust and fear cannot live together in the same place. You can have one, or the other, but not both. So each morning, I am going to choose to trust God. To have faith in Him and his plan for me. The listen to that still, small voice that needs to be heard above the loud, annoying one. To align what I hear with God’s word. Most importantly, I will read Psalm 91 and believe what it says…
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”